Japanese Weddings: Practices and Pitfalls

Modeled After Imperial Rites

In a wedding ceremony, bride and groom pledge their eternal love for one another. Weddings in Japan often consist of the ceremony itself, attended by family and close friends, and a reception following, to which many friends and acquaintances are invited.

When Japanese attire is worn, the groom wears the most formal style of dress, a black haori jacket bearing the family crest and a black-and-white striped hakama kimono overskirt. Traditionally, black, which cannot be dyed to other colors, imparted dignity in keeping with the man’s role as the head of the new household. The bride, meanwhile, wears a pure white kimono, which customarily signified rebirth in her role as the person responsible for the household and her determination to take on the “color” of the family she was marrying into. Attitudes have changed in the age of gender equality, but some women opt for the white kimono just the same, to commemorate a once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

A bride and groom in wasō Japanese attire. (© Pixta)

Japanese wedding attire has its origins in the traditions of Muromachi period (1333–1568) samurai. But pledging one’s troth in a Shintō ceremony is a surprisingly recent practice.

Until the 1870s, most weddings were private affairs without any religious connotations. The head of the family or the village chief officiated, and relatives and neighbors gathered at the groom’s home to celebrate the new couple. Life milestones such as coming of age, marriage, funerals, and memorial services for ancestors, in fact, were originally unofficial ceremonies intended to signal individuals’ change of status to the community at large.

The contemporary wedding style dates back to 1900, when Emperor Taishō (r. 1912–26), then the crown prince, married in a Shintō rite at the imperial palace. Inspired by this event, ordinary people began holding Shintō weddings at Tokyo Daijingū shrine; the ceremonies were modeled on the Ogasawara school of samurai etiquette. The most important part of the ritual, the sankon three ceremonial sips of sake by the bride and groom, survives in abbreviated form today under the name sansankudo.

Following their wedding, the crown prince and princess traveled to Ise Shrine and paid their respects at imperial mausolea throughout the country. The public learned of this and the practice eventually developed into the modern-day honeymoon.

Performing the sansankudo at a Japanese wedding. (© Pixta)

Chapel weddings, based on Christian wedding ceremonies, became popular after World War II and are the most prevalent style of wedding nowadays. Next in popularity are nonreligious weddings, where the couple say their vows in front of family and friends. Considering that this type of ceremony is a modern iteration of the private wedding of past centuries, nonreligious weddings have a much longer history than the seemingly ancient rites of Shintō weddings.

Language and Attire Dos and Don’ts

A wedding invitation will reach you several months before the wedding. The organizer wishes to know who will attend in order to make preparations, so it is common courtesy to reply promptly.

If you add a message to your reply, take care not to use inauspicious words such as wakare (parting), owari (ending), kiru (to cut), and hanareru (to separate). Words like hi-bi (constantly), masu-masu (more and more) or iyo-iyo (at last) incorporating repetition, which imply remarriage, should also be avoided. These kotodama (power words) derive from old beliefs that words supposedly had the power to influence events, and should not be used in formal speeches either.

Choice of words is important when speaking at a wedding. (© Pixta)

What does one wear to a wedding? Depending on your relationship with the couple, that can range from the most formal of attire—morning coats and evening dresses—to semi-formal wear such as tuxedos and cocktail dresses, based on what the families of the bride and groom will be wearing. Dark suits and moderately fancy dresses are acceptable for friends and acquaintances, as is semi-formal wear for older people. Even if the wedding invitation says “daytime attire,” guests should make an effort to dress up.

Brides in Western dress also wear white. (© Pixta)

Western-style dress codes are generally uniform throughout the world; the point is not to outshine the bridal couple. Men are fine wearing a dark suit with a white necktie, but things are trickier for women. They should avoid wearing white and use accessories sparingly. If in doubt, there is plenty of time to ask a friend or consult fashion magazines for the most appropriate look.

If in doubt, non-Japanese guests should avoid wearing national costumes, as doing so can draw attention away from the bridal couple. If the wedding is a casual affair, national dress may be acceptable, but ask the host beforehand. If a female guest intends to wear a kimono, consulting a kimono shop is advisable, as it is difficult to get dressed in a kimono by oneself and there are minute stipulations concerning the type of kimono that is acceptable for the occasion.

The focus of the event should be solely on the new couple. (© Pixta)

Hikidemono “Thank You” Gifts

Today, it is customary to offer a shūgi money gift at weddings. In past times, gifts in kind for the new household were the rule; shūgi taken in person to the venue only became common with the rise in hotel weddings during the 1950s and 1960s. The thinking was that offering cash was more convenient for a couple busy with wedding preparations, who could use the money later to choose goods and furnishings to their liking.

Weddings are expensive affairs. To help with costs, friends and acquaintances usually offer shūgi of between ¥30,000 and ¥50,000; relatives pay a higher amount. If a couple or family are invited, the amount is upped based on the number of people in the party. Practices may vary depending on the region, so talk with other guests to get an idea of an appropriate amount.

A fancy envelope containing wedding gift money. (© Pixta)

Work colleagues and other acquaintances are often invited just to the reception. The wedding banquet is usually a sit-down affair; guests sit at tables designated according to whether they are relatives, colleagues or friends. The reception lasts two or three hours, with speeches by the parents of the bride and groom and their bosses at work, skits or other entertainment by friends, and cake-cutting by the new couple. The event ends as the formal meal is concluded, although there is often a more casual after-party for friends in the evening.

Standard venues are wedding halls and hotels with banquet halls and chapels or Shintō shrines on the premises. (© Pixta)

As guests prepare to leave the reception, they sometimes receive a hikidemono “thank you” gift from the couple, with a message thanking them for attending. In the past, the custom was to leave auspicious delicacies such as sea bream or spiny lobster served as part of the wedding banquet untouched, to be packed up later for guests to take home. Hikidemono as a commemorative gift became a substitute for this practice.

Some decades ago, hikidemono usually consisted of an array of household items. Nowadays, guests can choose something to their liking from a gift catalog, which is sometimes accompanied by hikigashi (red and white steamed buns or confectionery).

Hikidemono may be delivered later, to avoid encumbering guests after the reception. (© Pixta)

Hikidemono are all about the new couple wishing to share their happiness. Such gifts were not usually offered in the past, as they implied some kind of inauspicious “return,” such as, the bride “returning” to her family home in the event of a divorce. Do not expect the hikidemono to reflect the amount of shūgi you gave. Shūgi should not be thought of as the price of admission to the wedding; it is a sincere expression of congratulations and should be offered even if the reception is on a kaihisei pay-your-own-way basis.

Share the day’s joy with the bride and groom. (© Pixta)

(Originally published in Japanese. Supervised by Shibazaki Naoto, associate professor at Gifu University, who specializes in manners education from a psychological perspective, works to guide etiquette educators, and is an instructor in Ogasawara-ryū etiquette. Illustration by Satō Tadashi. Banner photo © Pixta.)