Good Spouses Hard to Find? Japanese Parents Getting Involved in Matchmaking Events for Children

Parent Proxies

Many Japanese parents can list their children’s positive qualities: serious and kind, perhaps, or reliable and hardworking. Maybe they have a good academic record, and a steady job. But one anguished question often follows: “Why can’t they get married?” According to Japan’s 2020 census, 51.8% of men aged 30 to 34 and 38.5% of women in the same age group were unmarried.

Not everyone wants to get married, of course, and there is no guarantee of happiness for those who do. Even so, marriage firms targeting parents are thriving, as older people worry about how their children will cope in the future living alone, or what will happen to the family business with no future generations to take control of it.

Actively seeking a marriage partner is known in Japan as konkatsu (spouse-hunting). Unlike the typical situation, though, where people look for love themselves, across the country some parents are frantically conducting konkatsu activities on their unmarried children’s behalf, meeting up with each other and matchmaking.

A Cutthroat Business

As a mother myself, with an unmarried son in his thirties, since 2022 I have attended three matchmaking events with other parents, in part for research purposes.

The first was held at a hotel in central Tokyo, with a participation fee of ¥16,000. I submitted an application with details about my 36-year-old son, such as his height; the area where he lived; his occupation, educational background, and hobbies; and what I considered to be his strengths. A list arrived a week before the event with information about the children of the participants, making it possible to weigh up the likely prospects in advance.

Finally, the day arrived. About 100 parents wore badges around their necks indicating their children’s numbers on the shared list. They also carried more detailed profiles, including information about family members, as they engaged with the parents of their favored candidates.

The cutthroat nature of parent-led spouse-hunting soon became painfully apparent. Questions like “What’s your son’s annual salary?” and “Does he work for a listed company?” highlighted the importance placed on income and job status, as compared with personality. A mother of a daughter sighed as she told me, “For women, it’s all about looks and how young they are.”

One father emphasized the importance of the family information provided, such as siblings’ academic record and jobs. It seems that when there is not much to choose between prospective partners who are all “serious and kind” with “a steady job,” the added value from other family members can help in standing out from the competition.

The second and third events I attended were similarly full of parents dreaming of the perfect match.

No Way Forward?

There must be many people who think that parents should not rush to get involved, and that it would be better to leave the konkatsu up to their children.

Indeed, there are many ways singles can look for a spouse, such as through dating apps, marriage agencies, or various local government initiatives. My son tried a major marriage agency for a year and a half from when he was 34.

He searched for possible prospects every day on a dedicated app, paying an ¥11,000 fee each time that he met a woman in the lounge of a top-tier hotel. Under the old-fashioned rules of this agency, only men paid this fee, as well as the price of drinks.

If both sides agree, couples can start trial dating; at this stage, it is possible to date more than one partner. Then, if a particular couple wants to take it to the next level, they enter a serious relationship, with marriage further down the road. This is the theory, but the reality is not so simple.

My son met or had trial dates with around 20 women without getting as far as marriage. It cost about ¥1.5 million, including membership and monthly fees, and the cost of dating. In the end, he quit, saying, “There’s no way I can get married.”

At the time I knew nothing of how these services worked and wondered how it was possible for him to have no success. Then I started investigating the various ways of going about spouse-hunting.

App Stress and Agency Issues

First, I looked at dating apps, which might be considered the standard method for konkatsu. The systems tend to have many similarities, even if individual apps may target different users, such as those serious about marriage, those looking for a more casual date, or people wanting to remarry. Having registered a profile and face photo, users search based on factors like age, income, and job.

Liking someone’s profile and getting a like in response makes it possible to start messaging each other.

Usually, men pay a few thousand yen each month, while women can participate for free. A smartphone is all that is needed to choose among what may be tens of thousands of members, although that means it is also necessary to be picked oneself from among the droves of candidates.

The combination of feeling that maybe there is somebody better out there while worrying that one’s current relationship may fail can be stressful for many. There are cases where people pay large sums in extra fees for optional services to increase their chances, have to deal with sexual predators, or even get embroiled in romance scams.

Despite the ease of these apps’ use, a growing number of singles are put off by their risks and turning to marriage agencies. As documents like graduation certificates, proof of income, and proof of unmarried status are required to join up, these established agencies can state that people are who they say they are with a high level of reliability. Many firms highlight the strong support provided by their marriage counselors and the high percentage of clients who get married.

However, there is no standard way that agencies calculate their marriage success rates. More importantly, the definition of “marriage” (seikon, as used by agencies) is very misleading.

Some define a three-month relationship from first meeting as enough for “marriage,” while others consider an overnight date to be sufficient. This is quite different from the typical image of seikon among the Japanese public, as associated with official registration of a marriage with the authorities and a wedding ceremony. Even so, the agencies accept a fee of tens of thousands of yen for what they define as a successful conclusion to their efforts.

Marriage agencies have complex rules and payment systems for singles who choose this route. But how many of their clients really get married?

Rather than using the agencies’ self-reported figures, I would like to introduce some reliable data. Although it is from 20 years ago, a 2006 survey by the Ministry of Economy, Trade, and Industry on marriage businesses found that 8.4% of men and 10.1% of women got married within one year of using a marriage agency. In other words, nine out of ten were unsuccessful. Even in this government report, a note explained that the figures included cases based on opinion or speculation when the businesses did not clearly know whether the clients got married.

A recent private survey by Recruit Bridal Research Institute found that 15.3% of people who got married in 2023 used some kind of konkatsu service. Only 2.4% used a marriage agency, which is not a figure to boast about.

Love and Local Government

Matchmaking efforts by local governments have seen a rapid increase in recent years. The national administration began funding for such activities in fiscal 2013, seeing them as a way of addressing the shrinking population. The initial ¥3 billion budget more than tripled to ¥9.3 billion in fiscal 2025.

Local governments are subsidizing the costs of marriage agencies for their unmarried residents, as well as providing their own matching systems. For example, the Tokyo metropolitan government takes a mixed approach that aims to combine the ease of use of dating apps with the support of marriage agencies.

Residents can register for two years for ¥11,000 and receive AI-powered matching based on compatibility, as well as consultations with specialized staff. The low price is made possible through support from tax revenue. In other words, tax money goes to the private marriage agencies cooperating with the initiative.

Is it a success? Well, as of November 2025, only 1.57% of the 30,000 people registered had advanced to serious dating with one partner, while 0.4% had got married (here, the percentage represents those who withdrew from the service, stating an intention to marry). The low success rate raises doubts about the initiative’s effectiveness as a means of raising the number of births.

Are You Experienced?

The different methods of konkatsu smooth the path to initial encounters, but meeting up is not the only hurdle on the way to marriage.

Many singles might feel hesitant, and not only due to concerns about their age, income, and job—a lack of romantic and sexual experience can also lead to self-doubt. A 2022 survey by the Cabinet Office found that one in three men and one in four women aged 20 to 39 had never been in a relationship.

Similarly, a 2021 survey by the National Institute of Population and Social Security Research revealed that nearly 40% of unmarried men and nearly 50% of unmarried women aged 30 to 34 had no sexual experience.

Even with all the different tools for finding a spouse, inexperienced singles struggle to pick someone or imagine themselves being chosen. And looking for love takes both time and money. They may want to get married, but it is difficult to find a path to reach this goal.

In a 2025 survey by the Children and Families Agency, 53.5% of unmarried respondents said that they wanted to get married, either as soon as possible, or at some point. However, the same agency’s 2024 survey found that even if they wanted to find a marriage partner, 67% of people had no clear idea of how to go about it and 66% did not think that they would be able to. Even if the desire is there, there is a striking level of insecurity and resignation.

Parents may worry that there was something wrong with the way they brought up their unmarried children. And their efforts to involve themselves directly in the search for a marriage partner may have less to do with egotism or their own dreams and more about their sense of parental responsibility—that helping children marry is part of a parent’s job.

Faced with the major transition in life that marriage represents, singles and their parents are overcome by confusion and emotional turmoil. I would be lying if I said I never worried about my unmarried son—it is not so easy to switch off feelings of parental duty. Even so, if my son does not marry, but still chooses a life where he finds his own happiness, I want to feel pride in that choice.

(Originally published in Japanese on May 22, 2026. Banner photo © Pixta.)